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Honduras gets off to a bad start, but grows on us pretty rapidly. We start off with the worst border entry, but exit on a high after discovering idyllic beaches, hip hop lizards, and a bagpipe loving toucan rescuer.
Here’s a short summary of our trip to what turned out to be a helluva country.
Arrivals

We have the worst immigration experience ever, which starts with a guy in uniform snatching our passports from us and ends with our maverick taxi driver, Junior, swooping into immigration, throwing a few dollars ‘tax’ at suspect officials and grabbing our passports back for us. We have arrived by boat into a tourist-unfriendly area swarming with crooks, so Junior whisks us out of there toute suite.

Taxi death race

Crammed into the tiny taxi with a French couple – a late ferry meant we all missed a crucial bus connection – Junior gave us a the kind of near-death four hour taxi ride experience that roller coaster addicts would kill for. To drive in Honduras you need balls of a bull and the stomach of a horse. Floor it at all times, fly through red lights, drive into oncoming traffic until someone chickens out – and don’t forget to overtake in reverse. Making us feel like we were in the ultimate car chase movie, Junior somehow got us to our destination La Ceiba, safely. And he was a total dude to boot.

Yet another beachy paradise
We’re in La Ceiba, itself a sketchy enough town, to catch the ferry to the beautiful Bay islands – Roatan island to be exact. Yep, it’s another beachy, Caribbean paradise, and I ain’t complaining. The island is stunning – all soft, bone white beaches and warm, turquoise waters. It’s also the world’s cheapest place to scuba dive, yet one of the best – so we dive so much we practically evolve gills.

Hip hop lizards

We also shred around the breathtaking countryside, mainly off road, on motorbikes. A wacky place we end up is an iguana farm where the lizards have developed a taste for hip hop antics. Started by a guy who ate the huge lizards (we didn‘t partake, before you ask), he eventually had so many curious human visitors he turned the farm into a tourist attraction. The lizards seem to be massively into hip hop – they nod their heads at us like they’re trying out for a Jay Z video.  We try a few lines of ‘New York State of Mind’ and they seem to dig it, all nodding furiously. It’s hilarious – particularly because it could just be a sign that they want to mate with us.

Back on the mainland, we take a bus that costs less than a round at the pub but is more luxurious than a first class seat on any European flight. It’s an amazing way to travel to our next destination further south, Copan Ruinas. This is a fantastic little town, with the friendliest people we have met so far. Everyone is just so proud of their town and so happy to host tourists there. We came here for one night but ended up staying three.

‘Jesus’, is our guide

Scarlet macaw

Here, Jesus himself is our guide – Jesus the tuk tuk driver that is. He drives us to some great places like thermal springs, but one we really enjoy, believe it or not, is a bird sanctuary. It’s basically the jungle but with some safe housing for rescued macaws, parrots, toucans and other feathered friends. The best part is hanging out with nature guide, Alex, who turns out to be a massive fan of bagpipes.

As soon as I tell him I’m Scottish, he’s waxing lyrical about his passion for pipes. I suppose if you have learned to love the ear-splitting screech of the forest’s noisiest birds, then bagpipes might well sound heavenly. One quick phone call later and some CDs from a contact at Scotdisc are on the way to him. As a thank you, Alex covers me in parrots which peck my head till it bleeds and gnaws holes in my shirt. Apparently this is how they show affection.

Next stop, Nicaragua.

No matter where you go on the coast, wherever in the world it is, there are 2 versions of the place – on the ground and under the sea. In Los Cabos, where we currently are, above ground is marred by corruption (though we’re having a roaring good time, despite some of the darker things we’ve heard about) that I’ll detail that partoicular comedy at a later date. In the drink, however, there’s no such bullshit – just wild animals doing what they’re supposed to: try avoid you or eat you.

Diving’s a funny thing – some dives are good and some suck, the experience is just unpredictable. Yesterday, I was lucky to enjoy two of the best ever. We dived with Manta in Cabo San Lucas, and incredibly, were the only ones on the trip. We literally had the boat, guide and dive sites to ourselves. In the scuba world, this is a practically unheard of nirvana. Our guide, Luis, was bang on our wavelength, into ‘mellow hippo disco dives’ – i.e. relaxed, taking time to find critters, and have a childlike wonder at the expience.

One of the biggest attractions here is the sea lion dive – but any dive company would be lion (geddit!!?!) if they could guarantee a dive with them right now – the Pacific is being a bit of a moody teenage making entry to the area impossible. So when a huge young male emerged – it was incredible. Sometimes sea lions are playful and engaging – this one was hunting, still a wonder to hang out with.

Also here there are huge schools of fat snapper – biggest I’ve seen to date – a barbecuers dream, white tip reef sharks (we found one snoozing in a body-sized cave that I kind of got wedged in) and tons of other big, colourful schools like surgeon fish and goat fish.

A magical feature down here is the sand falls – sparkling, golden sands slipping down deep fissures like waterfalls – spellbinding. The site descends seriously deep; hypnotised, I drifted down, down, down, until I started to feel trippy – I was momentarily ‘narked’ off my bonce, high from nitrogen narcosis caused by my descent. If you’d asked me to add 1+1 (one of the tests on the deep dive exam) I would have answered ‘Susan Sarandon’ and giggled my way down a watery void. Recognising this, I quickly ascended to straighten up before committing a very merry suicide.

The drink was big and dark and a wee bit cold – and the visibility wasn’t too clear, either – but offered a liberating adventure with creatures who, on this occasion, had less desire to do us harm than many of the bipeds on the hard desert ground above.